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I sing like this it sounds worse than it is…

‘The morning’s hot and harsh,
my notebook fills itself.
The words come thick with sweat,
it feels like someone else
is writing all of this,
someone I just can’t believe.
when I mop my brow,
set my pen back down,
it’s still me, still me.

And I’m grabbing at a feeling now
that I can’t ever name.
Some sign post to remind me
how I wanted things this way.

And she said, it’s pretty
but you hate yourself,
I can hear it clear as day.
And I say, I sing like this,
it sounds worse than it is.
I’m okay, okay.’

I’m in a funk again. I feel stagnant. A sense of isolation – partially by circumstance and partially because of this funk. I can’t fully articulate what I’m searching or hoping for, but I keep trying to tell myself that I’m ok. It isn’t that bad…

I’m watching my friends find their paths in lives – new jobs, amazing internships, study abroads, new loves; and I am happy for them. Sure, they still have their ups and downs, but they still seem to have found some spark of happiness: some sense of direction. It makes me question my own life and what is making mine so different – where did I go wrong in my life path and what can I do to start moving forward again?

I remind myself that there have been some positives over the last few weeks that have a possible promise of a future change, but it just perpetuates this waiting game and allows the air to become more stagnant and the ennui to grow.

This probably sounds like a bad idea, but when I get in moods like this, I prefer to surround myself with music that matches my mood. It seems like some happy fluff tune would be a better idea to lift spirits, but I guess for me the old cliche is true; misery loves company.

*Sorry for the downer post. I’ll try to be more upbeat in my next one. Maybe the sad, yet hilarious anecdote about my experience as a child with the tooth fairy and my current ridiculous nightmares relating to teeth.

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