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The situation with my job has almost become a joke. I guess after being stressed out about something as long as I have, you have to break it down into something comical.

The background: my company decided to sell my division. We were purchased by some of our former competitors in the same town and they had to figure out how they planned to merge us in with their company (this is actually becoming very common as media outlets try to stay afloat in the internet era). Over a month ago, we were all reinterviewed for our positions. A week later, they announced who they were keeping on and who they were cutting from the sales department. Our news room department was told we’d hear our status in 7-10 days. So for the next week, we quietly gossiped and ran over different scenarios. We kept worrying that each new day could be the start of a new future or the end.

As people disappeared – either to new jobs or just quitting entirely – those of us remaining learned to take on new roles. I basically had to adapt to the workload of three people. There’s no extra pay or thanks in this. The hours are long. But we’re all doing this, just hoping that maybe…just maybe…we can prove to an unseen watcher that we’re crucial to the ongoing success of the company.

At work we all smile and laugh, but when I come home, my bed is my only comfort as I stare at the blinking light on my computer deciding if I should start searching for a back up plan or just keep waiting. I never wanted to be doing this forever, but I also never wanted to know what it felt like to fail on this large of a scale…to be broke and unable to afford rent, car payments and more. I didn’t want to have to beg my mother to swoop in from her faraway state to rescue me, but this is the position I fear I am finding myself in. So my computer light stays blinking as I role over and grip a pillow tight to my chest and let out a silent scream.

The 7-10 days have stretched. And even this chapter of waiting is just an extension of a larger waiting game that began when we were first told that our company was selling us. Now there’s a light at the end of the tunnel – the status of our future will be told to us this Wednesday. At this point, any decision will be a sort of relief, but I’m still scared. Maybe I’ll get hired on, but maybe I’ll be let go and I have to be prepared.

If it is has already been this hard less than two years out of school, what sort of future do I have in this? Did I make the wrong academic decisions? Is this my sign to just go back to school no matter what?

I can be horrible at making these big decisions. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what I want. All I know is that I’m not happy, but I don’t know quite what to do to make myself happy.

So tonight, I’m choosing to laugh and watching old episode’s of Homestar Runner. I just rewatched Coach Z and his learning to say ‘job’ instead of ‘jorb.’ Maybe tomorrow, I’ll try to tackle being an adult again, but for now enjoy:


2 Responses

  1. You are not failing. It’s the market. It honestly is.

    Maybe I just have to tell myself that. If I don’t, then my other option is that I have no talent whatsoever in the one field that has always been of interest to me. I’m two and a half years out of school, and the closest I’ve gotten to journalism or media or even writing at all is internships.

    I don’t believe that I lack talent, and I don’t believe that you’re failing. I know ‘chin up’ isn’t easy, but it’s what we have to keep doing. I’ve been where you are. In a lot of ways, I still am. I won’t be moving out of my parents’ place any time soon. But a positive outlook is the only way either of us have any hope of shaping our futures into something we want.

    So, little lady, chin up. We will get through this.

  2. god, I can’t believe they’re keeping you in suspense so long. That’s beyond cold. I know you’ll keep kickin’ ass no matter where life takes you!!! ❤

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